Van Helsing | ||
Directed by Stephen Sommers | ||
Written by Stephen Sommers, based on characters created by Bram Stoker, Mary Shelly, Guy Endore, and Robert Lewis Stevenson | ||
David Newbert
The plot, convoluted as a Los Angeles freeway cloverleaf, involves Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) and his brides needing
Frankenstein's Monster (Shuler Hensley) so they can zap bolts of electricity through him and thereby animate their thousands
of dead, cocooned children. Van Helsing is a Vatican operative who destroys evil creatures and, after an introductory sequence
where our hero squares off against a CGI Mr. Hyde (voiced by Robbie Coltrane), is dispatched to Transylvania in order to
assist Anna Valerius (Kate Beckinsale, in full-on Underworld mode), an ass-kicking wunderfrau and the last of a family
line that has fought Drac for the past four hundred years. Accompanied by his sidekick, the scene-stealing Friar Carl (David
Wenham), Van Helsing pursues the vamps, rescues Frankenstein's Monster, blows away numerous flying vampire babies, rolls
around with a wolfman (one of three in this thing), and faces off against Dracula himself, who possesses the secret
of Van Helsing's past. And the Monster gets to swing from several cables like Tarzan, and Igor (Kevin J. O'Connor) chases
Carl across a bridge with a cattle prod, and there's -- well, there's just more. As if with the push of an "Enter" key,
this thing just keeps growing and growing.
Van Helsing has an appreciated sense of humor -- not all of it intentional -- but it sabotages its best intentions time
and again. You often can't tell if a particular scene is intended as sly homage, snarky joke, ham-fisted melodrama or
deliberate camp. Such bungling of tone forces you to react in the same manner to almost every scene and flattens your
interest; in a film as overlong as this one, it's deadly. And it keeps the otherwise likeable, capable cast from doing
honorable work.
These Universal horror characters are venerable icons, and almost anyone who first encountered them before the age of
twenty-five could tell you what they love about them. Sadly, I don't think Sommers is able to do that. The werewolf curse
is used purely as a plot device, transferred first to Valerius' brother and then to Van Helsing. Frankenstein's Monster is
there to anchor scenes that elicit compassion vs. hatred, and try to prove that our hero isn't just about the job; while
Dracula is a hammy creation (though ably played by Roxburgh) with too much uncomfortably in common with Tim Curry's Dr.
Frank N. Furter. The vampire brides (Elena Anaya, Silvia Colloca & Josie Maran) are I'm-not-complaining eye candy, and
special effects opportunities -- no more.
Van Helsing could have been better. The idea of a Victorian era Nightstalker isn't, in itself, bad; a peripatetic
rogue agent in 19th century Europe, battling demons, vampires and wolfmen, has potential. But this picture -- and what
the hell, let's blame it on Stephen Sommers and his inability to swerve from this torture -- is too cynical in its
motivations and execution to leave the dead end road it races along. If Jackman thought this would be his tentpole
picture to complement the X-Men series... well, it depends on how readily you'll accept naïve disappointments.
David Newbert worked for public and university libraries for several years before joining the college book trade. He lives in New Mexico, where the aliens landed. |
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